The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.