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Humor - E Got MC Scared

George P. Kurien

E Got MC Scared!                                                                                                             

 I’ve been thinking…

 Now seriously, folks! I’m not joking; I’ve actually been thinking, almost to the point of being a… think tank?! To be completely honest with you, I think all the time, except of course when I am not thinking, or when I am in the bathroom, whichever occurs first. When I’m not thinking, however, I’m usually reading, which almost always happens in the bathroom, and that explains why I don’t understand anything that I read. But that’s perfectly all right, because one can’t expect me to read something and understand it all at the same time. That would be like multitasking, and I simply refuse to do that. That’s like a working lunch which I try to avoid at whatever cost. That’s like feeding a cow and milking it all at the same time, and that’s wrong. That would be like drinking and driving all at once. That’s like putting on makeup and turning the rearview mirror towards you and looking at your face while driving at 75 miles per hour in rush hour traffic, and it’s plain stupid. That’s like calling someone on the car phone and gossiping while traveling in the fast lane at less than the minimum speed while every other driver, including the old guy from Florida, whisks by in the slow lane at twice the speed limit or Mach number 2, whichever is greater. That’s like eating a double cheese super-sized whopper burger and drinking diet soda, with the cell phone wedged between one’s shoulder and ear with a poodle in the lap, all of which are happening while zipping by at the velocity of light on the Interstate heading south.

 No, I simply refuse to do that. I am a law abiding citizen, and I don’t multitask. That’s all there is to it. Multitasking should mean multi-pay, and they are not paying me any of that. Multitasking is a capitalistic invention sponsored by big oil and other big business…, like the telephone company, for example. Phones come in two distinct varieties: cell phones and car phones. Also, there are public phones, wall phones (like there is ‘Wall Mart’) and gramophones, but let’s not worry about them for now. Cell phones are invented for a reason, and they are to be used in cells, say 4 feet x 5 feet, by those big corporate executives who live in jail cells. Car phones, on the other hand, are NOT to be used in cars unless the automobile is in a standstill condition, when its speed is less than or equal to zero miles per hour. Now, I certainly recognize that there is a problem with such an arrangement in that one can’t have velocities less than zero, because that would indicate that the car is in reverse gear which is an absolute no-no according to Einstein’s relativistic physics. The minute you put the car in reverse gear, strange things begin to happen. Space wraps around time! (Or was it the other way around?!) The Twin Paradox (para dogs, for those of us of southern persuasion) begins to manifest itself. One gets red-shifted going out, and blue-shifted coming back in. And if you have a hard time understanding that concept, let me make it simple: the front wheel becomes the back wheel, and the back wheel becomes the front wheel. When you turn the steering wheel to the left, your rear end (with the emphasis on the possessive pronoun) goes to the left, and your car goes over the flower bed and the lawn and hits the lamp post or the mailbox, depending upon whichever gets in its way first. You feel violated (worse yet, you violated your mailbox!), and you would suddenly have the urge to kick the cat or some other small animal such as a poodle which soiled your car seat on the passenger side before jumping into your lap, almost causing an accident on the Interstate. Well, rest assured, it’s not entirely your fault. Your activities are totally controlled by Einsteinian physics. You are helpless, and the relativistic theory takes over. Newtonian physics, as we know it, ceases to exist. You are in effect traveling back in time. You are going “Back to the Future”, whether you like it or not! Your mass increases, which is not entirely due to overeating combined with sedentary life style. It has to do with your velocity and rest mass. According to theory, the more you rest, the more massive you get. You are virtually watching the Michael J. Fox movie, except that you simply don’t know it!

 So what was it that I was saying before I started time travel? Well, I don’t remember, but I can’t think now, because I need to run to the boy’s room. Now, where are those funny pages that I had saved up from last Sunday’s Chattanooga News-Free Press? (‘News-free’, hey? It all makes sense now!) I know there has got to be some use for that lousy newspaper in addition to housebreak the dog.


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