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Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? 
She heard you could get thinner there.

The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”

Q. What do you call someone who can't stick with a diet? 
A. A desserter.  

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza. I ate a pizza.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was, "I bet a donut wouldn't have done this to me."

I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have any more food. I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment.

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