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Jokes - Marriages?? Made in Heaven??


After the Honeymoon!
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away. "How did everything go?" her mom asked.
"Oh, mother," she began, "The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time. But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language. Stuff I'd never heard before. Really terrible four-letter words. You've got to come get me and take me home. Please, Mother!" the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
"But, honey," the mother countered, "What four-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother, they're too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset.... Tell mother what four-letter words he used."
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook."

Sweet Revenge
After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, with soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad.
They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air-fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and in exasperation, decided to move.
The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home...
...including the curtain rods.

Only one wish
A married couple, both 60 years old, were celebrating their 35th anniversary. During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and grant them each one wish. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and poof - the wife had tickets in her hand for a world cruise. Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted. He said; "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me." So the the fairy picked up her wand and poof - the husband was 90.

What's that again?
A boy says, "Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married!" The father says, "For that son, you have to have a boy and a girl." The son says, "I've found a girl." "Who?" "My grandmother." "Let me get this straight," the father says. "You want to marry my mother? You can't do that." "Well, why not?" the son says. "You married mine!

Problems, big and small
Hubby : "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
Wife : "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Hubby : "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Wife : "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself - What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Empty Threats
Wife : "You're gonna be really sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!"
Hubby : "Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?"

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