One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. After few days, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. “Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted.

“I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box.

“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”

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The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”

“No sir,” Little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook!”

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A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order. There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.” The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

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My brother Sean stopped by a sandwich shop one afternoon and placed his order with the girl at the counter. She rattled off a list of condiments, but he stopped her when she asked if he wanted white cheese or yellow.

“What’s the difference?” Sean asked.

“Hello?” replied the girl, sighing and rolling her eyes. “The COLOR is different!”

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“May I take your order, sir?” the waiter asked.

“Yes. How do you prepare your chickens?”

“Nothing special, sir,” he replied. “We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

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