New Year resolution joke on family priority:

“Families are complicated enough, but things became even more confusing after my father decided to get married to my brother's mother-in-law. "Now I can't make up my mind whether he's my dad or my father-in- law," says my brother, "or if my mother-in-law is now my stepmother, or whether my child is my daughter or my niece.”
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New Year resolution jokes on quitting smoking:

“I discussed peer pressure and cigarettes with my 12-year-old daughter. Having struggled for years to quit, I described how I had started smoking to ‘be cool.’”

“As I outlined the arguments kids might make to tempt her to try it, she stopped me mid-lecture, saying, "Hey, I'll just tell them my mom smokes. How cool can it be?”
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New Year resolution joke on obesity:

“When the woman finished, she paused, looked up, and said, "Hey, isn't that the Atkins diet?”

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