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Humor - Join the Duct Tape Club

Nirmala Garimella
02/24/2003

I hope, dear to goodness, that you are heeding and greedily lapping all the various alerts that are being dished out by our present government like appetizers in a platter. Yes, I am talking of Duct Tape, folks that you and I have been storing in plenty. Very soon, like the Indian government we might hit an artificial shortage of this most precious product and then the man who pays more, wins the coveted tape.

So here I am, running around in my reporting and writings rounds equipped with my tape recorder, my pen and notebook and of course, duct tape. This insidious object has been the butt of too many jokes at too many parties but I was totally stymied by this tiny ad that appeared in the newspaper the other day. It said “Join the Duct Tape Club and be a Survivor.” What in the heavens in this, I wondered and keeping in mind my first lesson in Journalism, to be bold, brash and thick skinned, I resolved to venture into the open, braving all the Homeland Security warnings and check this out.

The Duct Tape Club is located underground, in other words, in the basement of a dedicated and committed member who when I meet, reminds me of a man who needs no duct tape to protect himself. This burly, seven footer escorts me in and sits me down with the others. It is a very diverse group of individuals and I can barely figure out who they are, as they have a strange uniform that seems to be suspiciously made of Duct tape. I notice some kind of easel and a big box which when I peeped into found, you guessed it …..duct tape. These people certainly are serious, unlike the reader of the Boston Globe who if you remember well, sent a photo and a letter to the editor last week of how the terrorists (he meant the snow plough) after the severe storm had attacked his mailbox. At such a time who was the savior but the duct tape that he had bought for his home.

Anyway, I am digressing. So here we are, at the Duct Tape Club. The meeting begins where you first take an Oath which goes something like this.

I solemnly promise to buy, store and share all the duct tape in my house to my friends and family.

Having said that, the members then join in a chorus that runs like this. Folks familiar with the Old Mac Donald verse can tune in.

Old Man Rumsfeld had a farm, Eieio, Eieio
And on that farm he had some tape, Eieio Eieio
With a duct tape here and a duct tape there
Here a tape, there a tape, everywhere a Duct tape

And so it goes on.

Once the chant is over, the group then hands out copies of a survival kit that includes

1. Sample Duct Tape
2. A CD ROM on how to use the duct tape
3. A brochure on the unique and innovative use of Duct Tape
4. Discount Coupons on the cheapest places to buy Duct tape

What a revelation. I am now positive that the membership to this club will increase without any solicitation, thanks to all the inquires I will receive after writing this story. Way to Go, Guys.

As this story goes to press, there is a rumor that the Republican Party has received a massive donation in a few millions dollars for their campaign. You guessed it right, the donor is none other than a Duct Tape manufacturer.

Adios!



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