A man arrived at his holiday guest-house and met the landlady.
'Can you sing?' she snapped.
'No,' he replied.
'Well, you'd better learn quickly. There's no lock on the bathroom door.'
A holidaymaker was complaining to his landlady about his room. 'Look. This wall's so thin you can almost see through it.'
'That's not a wall,' she replied, 'it's the window.'
'Excuse me,' said the guest, 'but this steak is so tough I can't even cut it. Take it away and bring me another.'
'I can't take it away,' said the landlady. 'You've bent it.'
Went on vacation last week. What a week it was. Only rained twice - once for three days, once for four.
There are always fortune-tellers at the seaside. Two of them met on the front at Frinton one sunny summer day. 'Lovely weather,' said the first fortune-teller. 'Yes,' said the second. 'It reminds me of the summer of 2005.'
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the man said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
"Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" his wife cut in, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will not ask for directions."