DISCLAIMER

We regret to inform you that Chitra has temporarily lost all marbles and her skewed perceptions do not reflect the views of this publication. The follies are all hers. She dispatched herself to interview these celebrities. We claim neither to understand nor condone the results of the fevered ramblings of a febrile mind.

These interviews never happened.

I have always wanted to interview celebrities, now; in my line of work I do get to talk to a few but some elude me still.  So I have gone ahead and talked to them any way

This is purely a work of fiction, fruit of my overactive imagination and resemblance to any one living is intentional and 

for the intent of fun.

AMITABH BACHHAN

I've always wanted to interview Amitabh Bachhan . don't ask me why. I've never been a big fan of AB, his wife Jaya or the son whatsisname. So here goes,

CP: Hi there, old boy.

AB: I beg you pardon what did you call me?

CP: Why is your beard all gray, your hair black , your eyes unsmiling , your fists clenching and unclenching?

AB: ( Muttering to himself) Serenity now, Serenity now, Serenity now

CP:  Did you really have a thing with Rekha, a fling ?

AB: this can't be happening.

(Actually this isn’t happening but what does he know?)

CP:  Zeenat, did you have the hots for her as reported by magazines many many years ago?

AB: No comments, can you ask me some intelligent questions please? After the interview with that nitwit Pooja Bedi I'm not talking to morons.

CP: - Your son Hrithik's doing pretty well for himself what? Not too shabby…!

AB: (FROSTILY) He is not my son. My son's name is Abhishek.

CP: - Oops, sorry old chap. So when is his debut?

AB: that’s it I don't like you, your hair or your questions. You haven't done your research either. I'm out of here.

CP: I'm not too crazy about you or your hair either. And did you even ask me a single question about myself? Hasta la vista baby.

We both leave in a huff.  He takes his Limo and I'm outta there in my Yugo.

SHABANA AZMI

When I meet Shabana, she's bald or balding, I can't really tell. She's gorgeous in a red and black silk sari and her eyes are lined with Kohl so thick she looks like an exotic member of the Raccoon family (if there is such a thing)

CP: Shabana ji, how has it been, working with Deepa Mehta?

Shabana Azmi: I don't want to talk to you.

CP: Right.

DALER MEHNDI

I am a fan of Punjabi Pop. Daler has read some of my celebrity profiles and wants me to do him, his publicist tells me. I agree.

I'm floored by the man's energy and his dress sense. Just talking to him is a physical exertion, he moves about, gesticulates, laughs and occasionally taps into my energy and I feel drained mentally and physically. I'm calmed only when he lets me choose three outfits from his extensive wardrobe and begs me to keep them for myself. We're both built like brick houses and even though I don't have a full head of hair I accept the colorful "pagdis' that go with the outfits.

This is how the interview goes.

CP: - Sat sri akal ji.

DM- Jo bole so nihaal.

CP: - who designs your wardrobe?

DM- I do it myself ji. I dream in Technicolor and I dream of vibrant fabrics, those I turn into my designs.

SHAH RUKH KHAN

When I meet Shah Rukh khan, he is resplendent in a pink shirt and pale blue tights. A small grass skirt keeps him from being totally indecent. His eyes are twinkling mischievously, nostrils furled and curled, the adorable leer held in place by his full lips. Nursing a hot cup of Java a minion has handed him reverentially

He looks just like the ShahRukh in the movies, the one, we all love and adore.

Guys, I hope you realize this interview takes place only in my head and nowhere else.

As I sit on the couch next to him I can't but help notice a mild scent emanating, "Fahrenheit”, he confirms impishly, " my fav. Perfume".

I've got my Q's lined up on a piece of paper and off we go….

CP: When did the acting bug bite you?

SRK: (Naughtily): When I was five I was bitten by a mosquito, since then bees and wasps have stung me several times.

We both laugh hysterically.

CP: Who is the love of your life?

SRK: (impishly dimpling) Parvathi and Aryan.

CP: Your favorite costar?

SRK: (winking jokingly) can’t tell, I love them all, Jhonny .L I love you man.

CP: Did your parents love you when you were growing up?

SRK: You know I don't feel threatened by Hrithik's success.

CP: Your siblings…

SRK: Abhishek is so cute, no?

CP: Where did you grow up, and when?

SRK: I know what Ozone layer means. Want me to tell you?

CP: Your favorite film?

SRK: What’s yours?

CP: John Malkowich.

SRK: He's so cute, no?

CP:  Should India go to war with you know who?

SRK: I'm ready to take Dalai Lama to Tibet if Steve Segal will go with me.

I like Dalai Lama and don't believe the rumors.

CP:  What rumors?

SRK: That my hair is not my own, my teeth are too (bares his teeth while smirking impishly) My dimples are my own too, Some people have been…..chodo yaar ,ask me some thing else.

CP:  What happened to K3G , you… What went wrong? You think audience not ready for such intellectual fare yet?

SRK: Indians who watch Hindi films are unprintable, what can I say? Tripe like "Monsoon Wedding’" they digest but an out and out fun film like K3G they don’t..chod yaar don't get me started.

CP:  Talking of Hey Ram what was it like working with Kamal Hasan?

SRK: Hums loudly and tunelessly….

CP:  Kamal hasan , was your experience….

SRK: Humming real loud now drowning out my questions.

CP:  How do you explain the reign of the Khans in Bollywood?

SRK: Khans are cool baby (flexes his muscles and grins) Aamir is a good kid, Salman and Saif are has-beens.

CP:  Who has been the main influence in your life, your acting style?

SRK. Dalai Lama is good at C++ someone told me. Dilip Kumar, Amitabh Ji, Kamini Kaushal….

CP: Your favorite book?

SRK: Yours?

CP: ‘Magic’ by William Goldman.

SRK: Mine too.

CP: Your favorite food?

SRK: Yours?

CP: Chinese.

SRK: Ditto.

CP:: Thank you sir .

SRK: I love Hritik and Abhishek, That hairy kid too, Feroze ji's son, arey bhai haanh, Fardeen . So cute ,no?

That’s it for now folks. Will dispatch another set of celebrity interviews soon, let me know what you think of these, so I can put my imagination to good use.  Until then, keep the faith, be good, gentle readers, and may the force be with you.

|