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Jokes - Holiday, Holiday!

Compiled by Chitra Parayath
12/13/2004

Healthy Holiday Diet

If you are like me, you are forever worrying about gaining weight during the Holidays! Cope with stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that build during the holidays with this special diet planů

The following diet is designed to help you cope with the feeling of stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that build during the holidays...

Breakfast:

* 1/2 grapefruit
* 1 slice whole wheat toast
* 8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:

* 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
* 1 cup steamed spinach
* 1 cup herb tea
* 1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:

* The rest of Oreos in the package
* 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
* 1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:

* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
* 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
* 3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:

* Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

RULES FOR THIS DIET:

* If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
* If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
* When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do.
* Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
* If you fatten up everyone else around you then you look thinner.
* Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls.
* Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
* Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
* Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
* Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
* Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
* Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER!
STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS

The Holiday Season Song

(To the tune of "Deck The Halls")

'Tis the season to be greedy!

Fa la la la la, La la la la!

Treat ourselves, forget the needy!

Fa la la la la, La la la la!

Charging gifts with wild abandon!

Fa la la la la, La la la la!

Credit limits not withstandin'!

Fa la la la la, La la la la!



Sing we now the spendthrift's carol!

Fa la la la la, La la la la!

Buying presents by the barrel!

Fa la la la la, La la la la!

Throwing parties, being merry!

Fa la la la la, La la la la!

'Till bills come in January!

Fa la la la la, La la la la!



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