Jokes - Howlers About Religion And God
Compiled by Chitra
Email from God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So He called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a while. When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, He thought for a moment and thought maybe He'd better send down a second angel to get another point of view. So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and told him "Yes, the Earth is in decline. 95% is bad and 5% is good." God said this was not good.
So He decided to send e-mail to the 5% that were good. He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that e-mail said?
Oh, you didn't get one either, huh? Bummer.
In the middle of a forest, a tourist was suddenly confronted with a huge, mean, hungry bear. He turned and started to run as fast as he could. He ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff and has no escape. He fell on his knees, opened his arms to heaven and began to pray, "God, please give this bear some religion!"
Suddenly, there was mighty thunder and lightning and the skies parted and the bear stopped just a feet short of the tourist, and it too fell to its knees and began to pray.
"Dear God" said the bear "I give thee thanks for what I am about to receive..."
Cat and Mouse
A cat and a mouse die and go to heaven, and they are there at the same time. Well, the mouse approaches God's throne, and God asks him, "So, how do you like it up here?"
The mouse says, "It's nice, but could I get a pair of roller skates?"
God says, "Sure."
So, the mouse gets his roller skates.
Well, the next day, the cat approaches God's throne, and the same question is directed at him. So, he answers, "It's great! I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!"
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the
sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the
grub, yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
St. Peter and the sinners
Bill, Frank, and Rod were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Bill and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Bill thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times."
"Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be driving that little yellow Honda over there."
St. Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times.
"Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be driving the red Corvette.
St. Peter stepped up to Rod and repeated the question. Without pause, Rod answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be driving that gold Rolls Royce."
Grinning from ear to ear, Rod approaches the car, but when he reaches the car, he suddenly lays his head on the roof and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter? You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be driving a Rolls Royce for the rest of eternity."
Rod replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the skateboard? That's my wife!"
Adolph Hitler was having terrible nightmares, and so he decided to go to a fortune teller hoping that the woman could find the source of his problem.
"I am sorry but I am unable to help you solve your dreams" said the fortune teller, "but I do know that you will die on a Jewish holiday."
"And which holiday will this be?" he asked.
"It does not matter." she replied. "Any day that you die will be a Jewish Holiday."
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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