When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

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To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

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Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

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When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

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I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

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I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

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If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

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I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

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I run like the winded.

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I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

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I don't mean to interrupt people.

I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

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When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

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Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes.

That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head.

That'll freak you right out.

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Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people cops.

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My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.