So I'm at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon." - Emo Philips

"A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2022." - Rich Hall

"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble." - Rhod Gilbert

“My Dad always knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby he said, ‘Is this a joke?'” - Ken Dodd

“I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'” - Tim Vine

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.” - Milton Jones

“I moved to a well-to-do area. I know it’s well-to-do because I said to my husband ‘it’s chilly in here’, and he said ‘shall we turn the floor up’?” - Sarah Millican

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