Girl: Ick! Why does this sandwich have bacon on it?

Friend: You ordered a BLT.

Girl: Whaaaat? I thought the B stood for bread.

I had food poisoning and woke up early in the morning to vomit. 
My mom e-mailed all my teachers saying that I would be late to school because of “morning sickness.” Thanks, Mom.

One Saturday night my boss and her family came to our house to play cards. As they were driving away at the end of the evening, I discovered that she had left her purse in a corner next to the dining-room hutch. I was about to call her house, intending to leave a message on the answering machine, when my son reminded me that they had a cell phone.

As I dialed the number, I marveled at the technology that would alert them before they had driven all the way home. A few seconds later the purse began to ring.

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