The only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate nachos.”

Q: Why shouldn't you fall in love with a pastry chef?

A: He'll dessert you.

I tell people I'm on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor.

Stephen Colbert

I’m not interested in any diet plan unless it lets me use rollover calories."

Q. Did you hear the one about the astronaut who stepped in gum?

A. He got stuck in Orbit.

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