Jokes - A Barrel Full Of Laughs
The Sunday before Christmas, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediatelyshared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him, him and him."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds
him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room.
"Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago
when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back
seat of my car necking?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my
daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today" .....
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed many undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NHL 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications:
Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1, which is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.WAV files. DO NOT install Mother-In Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9. Good Luck, Tech Support
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Jerry, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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